[ Getting asked what's wrong by his adoring, loving husband has him hiccupping a sob, not as emotionally stable as he has intended when faced with such raw concern. He holds one of those hands, covering his own mouth to stifle the noise that tries to leave him and shaking his head. ]
I'm sorry.
[ It comes out as a thin sound, robbed of breath halfway through. Crying begins all over again as if it never stopped and he screws his eyes shut, looking down. Hua Cheng doesn't deserve this, he ought to be with someone who can stop such betrayals from happening. When he can finally gulp down enough air to speak, he looks miserable and burbles in a rush. ]
I'm so sorry, San Lang, I would never have ... never with him, I swear. He thought I was his dead wife, it was awful. I couldn't think.
[ as ever, watching xie lian start to cry shatters hua cheng's heart to pieces in his chest. the grief of it is so overwhelming that for a moment he can't even piece together what xie lian is saying, the meaning of the words—would never have what? with who? whose dead wife?
hua cheng pushes his free hand back through xie lian's hair, and his other thumb rubs over his husband's cheekbone, and it's there in the space between that touch and his drawn breath that hua cheng notices the traces of he xuan's spiritual essence on xie lian's body. they're faint, barely there, as though they'd been scrubbed away—but like recognizes like, and crimson rain knows the feeling of black water's presence well.
so, xie lian fucked he xuan. the knowledge stings like ice down the back of hua cheng's spine—what timing, hot on the heels of their argument in the hallway of the other roost, where hua cheng had joked about being jealous. he had joked because he thought he would never have cause to be jealous, and yet here they are.
he draws a slow breath. he leans forward, presses his lips against xie lian's forehead, steadies himself in the familiar warmth and scent of his husband's body. ]
Did he hurt you? [ is what he asks first. there's a certain levelness to the tone that suggests that if the answer is yes, hua cheng will destroy he xuan so thoroughly he goes back to being a ghost flame. ]
[ The way Hua Cheng doesn't ask who might have hurt him causes Xie Lian's guts to drop like a stone, immediately knowing he didn't wash for long enough. ]
No! No. He thought ... He called me Miao-er, t-treated me like the person he missed the most has returned. I've never seen him so happy. I think ... I think he's mortified. He left before I woke and I don't blame him.
[ He grabs onto Hua Cheng tightly, trying to contain his shuddering upset. It's so hard when he feels like he's let him down so thoroughly, unable to lift his head as Hua Cheng's tolerant kindness has Xie Lian even more worried. ]
I thought I was marrying him, I couldn't think properly. I'm sorry. It meant nothing.
[ without hesitating, hua cheng wraps his arms around xie lian and pulls him close, right against his chest to keep him safe in the circle of his arms. his mind is still racing, but a few things become clear: he xuan didn't know who xie lian was, he thought xie lian to be his deceased wife. xie lian thought he was marrying he xuan, which means he forgot hua cheng entirely. that hurts a little, true, but what hurts more is the idea of his husband waking up in a cold bed, afraid and alone. ]
Breathe slowly, my love. [ although he has no need for air himself, he still draws a deep breath as if to demonstrate for xie lian how hua cheng wants him to inhale and exhale, slow, deep, steadying. ] You're safe, you're all right. I'm here.
[ he can't say that he likes it, the idea of black water in bed with his husband. but it's no more xie lian's fault than it is he xuan's, and hua cheng can hardly bring himself to blame or be upset with xie lian for it, especially not when he's so clearly ragged with guilt.
hua cheng's hands move slowly over xie lian's back, reassuring. xie lian trusts he xuan, doesn't he? and hua cheng himself trusts he xuan too, knows his fellow ghost king well and doesn't truly believe that he xuan would force xie lian or trick him somehow into his bed. for hua cheng, if he has to share his husband with anyone, at the very least he hopes for it to be someone he can trust not to hurt his beloved. ]
Look at me, gege. [ hua cheng pulls back just enough to gaze down at xie lian's downturned face, the top of his head all that's visible for the moment. ] Please.
[ His hiccupping, staccato breaths aren't much better but he tries to imitate Hua Cheng's demonstration which he knows is entirely for his benefit and upsets him even more. ]
No. You deserve someone better. I want to go back to our wedding night!
[ Bursting into the tears he's been trying to hold back, he buries his face in Hua Cheng's neck and clings to him in terror of being pushed away. His voice is watery and he sags unhappily, wishing he could at least spare Hua Cheng such grim accidents like sharing his husband with someone he could call a friend. His only, if anything ever came close over the years, or at least an equal. ]
I want to go back! Back to when everything was perfect. I hate this place! It's turning me into some kind of ...
[ of course hua cheng pulls him close. how could he not? his own complex feelings about his relationship with he xuan aside, xie lian is the love of his life and death, the man to whom he is absolutely, unequivocally devoted. nothing in this or any other world could change that.
nothing, up to and including xie lian's own insistence. how could hua cheng deserve someone better when no one better exists? when xie lian is his entire universe, his moon and sun and stars, the only person he's ever loved and the only person he's ever wanted? ]
Enough. [ hua cheng tucks his finger under xie lian's chin in an effort to coax him to meet hua cheng's gaze, although he doesn't force it if xie lian truly doesn't want to look at him. ] That's enough, gege. No one is allowed to be unkind to my husband, least of all my husband himself.
[ his voice is firm, but still adoring. it's clear to him that xie lian is deeply distressed, and hua cheng would never make light of the guilt and shame and upset he's feeling, but he cannot allow xie lian to say such things about himself without protest. that's the man he loves, after all. hua cheng would defend him to the death.
after a moment, hua cheng wraps his arms around xie lian again, holding him close. he rests his cheek atop his husband's hair, easy and familiar. ]
I wish I could take you away from here, [ he murmurs. ] I wish I could bring you home to Ghost City and keep you in my bed for a year. I hate this place too, I hate seeing you hurt, my love. I'm so sorry.
[ Settling somewhat but keeping his gaze lowered when his chin is tilted, he veers back into the safety of Hua Cheng's cool neck and curls fists in the front of his clothes where he bows his head away from the world. His back still shakes now and then but the waterfall of tears has subsided to hot stinging drops that glide down his cheeks. ]
Don't say you're sorry. You've never hurt me like I have with you.
[ Exhaustion from a night and morning spent bathing (after vigorously getting fucked too) has him slumping in place, feeling more defeated than he ever has before in this prison. ]
[ when xie lian slumps against him, hua cheng bends enough to scoop him up into his arms and carries him over to their bed so they can curl up together. he leans back into the pillows and pulls xie lian into his lap, holding him close so xie lian can lean against his chest and bury his face in hua cheng's neck as much as he likes. ]
Mm... let me tell you something, gege. [ hua cheng presses a kiss to xie lian's forehead. ] If I'm upset, it's not because of Black Water. It's because I hate how this place toys with you. I know you can't stand the aphrodisiacs and it hurts me to think of them being used against you... I'm not angry with you, my love. I promise.
[ he takes one of xie lian's hands in his own and crosses his heart with xie lian's fingertip as if to seal the vow, then laces their fingers together, giving them one more point of skin to skin contact. it's soothing for hua cheng to be able to touch when he's upset, and he hopes the same is true for xie lian. ]
It helped. [ hua cheng squeezes xie lian's waist lightly. ] Was that where you were all night? I was worried... I would have come to you if I had known. I don't like the idea of you spending the night alone and upset.
[ He doesn't have the energy to protest and more to the point doesn't want to, so into Hua Cheng's lap he goes. Xie Lian tries to absorb all the kind words and feels himself shudder as he does so, getting over his self-loathing a little from the onslaught of support he's given. Sniffing, he nods. ]
I wanted to get rid of ... [ The mess. He does look up then, earnestly trying to protect He Xuan who may not deserve it but also never intended to reveal such an awful lot about himself. ] San Lang, don't be angry with him. Imagine if I died and you thought you had me back for a night, only for it to be a lie. Even his bones must feel sick at the sight of me and that's probably why he left, he must be humiliated.
[ hua cheng blinks, then smiles softly. even if he were angry at he xuan, it would be almost impossible to continue being upset in the face of such earnest words from xie lian. ]
I'm not angry with him, either. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't his. [ it was the house's fault, naturally, and hua cheng has already added a few new forms of torture to the list of things he'd like to do to j once he can get his hands on him, but that's beside the point. ] Ah, gege... what am I to do with you? Every time I think I love you as much as it's possible to love another person, I fall in love with you a little more.
[ he pets his hand softly along the back of xie lian's hair, soft and adoring. ]
I'll speak to him. I mean in the friendly way, not the scary way. [ not "speak to him" like beat him up a little, speak to him like really see if he xuan is all right. maybe later, though, when the hurt isn't so fresh; at any rate, right now hua cheng's priority is his husband. ]
[ He relaxes some more when Hua Cheng reassures him he isn't angry with He Xuan either, having been so worried this would cause irrevocable damage in a myriad of ways. Hugging him where they lie together, Xie Lian lets out a sigh that shakes his whole body before he goes limp save for his grip in Hua Cheng's clothes. ]
[ all the better for hua cheng to cuddle him up even tighter, doing his very best to make sure xie lian feels safe and loved. if he can't spirit him away from this place and keep him safe in ghost city, then at the very least he can keep xie lian safe in the shelter of hua cheng's embrace. ]
You don't need to be sorry to me. It only surprised me, but... in a way, as much as I hate the idea of you being drugged, I'm... glad it was at least with someone we both trust.
[ the circumstances leave a lot to be desired, but at the very bare minimum, hua cheng can believe that he xuan wouldn't bring harm to xie lian intentionally. ]
What do you need from me? How can I help you feel more at ease?
[ Hua Cheng really never stops wanting to help Xie Lian (even when he's been wronged, in Xie Lian's opinion), it's an experience he still isn't used to. Depending on someone. ]
I want to sleep, I'm ... so tired.
[ He needs to rest and is scared to do so, wondering where he will be when he opens his eyes or who with. Subconsciously, his grip tightens on a fistful of shirt. ]
Will you stay? [ Just to clarify what he needs, ] Will you be here for me to wake up with?
Of course I'll stay. [ it was never in question; even on a normal night hua cheng is rarely inclined to get out of bed if xie lian is asleep, and tonight even less so. ] I'll be right here when you wake, gege.
[ hua cheng cups xie lian's face and gently thumbs over his cheekbone, then says, ] Let me undress you a bit for bed, all right?
[ A sad laugh hiccups free and he nods as he kisses Hua Cheng on the cheek just because he can, his husband isn't disgusted or angry. It's alright after all, even if Xie Lian is still too nervous to entirely believe it. In his long skirt and cardigan, arms entirely covered up too, he looks like nothing so much as a red-cheeked cloud as he wipes his eyes. ]
[ hua cheng's heart breaks. the clothes were close to what xie lian wears on the daily anyway, and so it hadn't even occurred to hua cheng to think that xie lian might have covered up out of fear of hua cheng's disgust. he can hardly stand the notion of it, that something like this might be enough to stop him loving and desiring his husband.
gently, carefully, hua cheng eases the cardigan over xie lian's shoulders and sets it at the foot of the bed. he lets his fingertips trail along xie lian's shoulders, his arms, touching every inch that he can reach as if to prove that he still wants to. the skirt comes next, fingers hooked in its waist to ease it down over xie lian's hips, but when xie lian is down to his long-sleeved shirt and underwear, hua cheng pauses to cup his face again. ]
Would you sleep in something of mine instead?
[ he doesn't want to make demands of xie lian, when he's already feeling fragile, but hua cheng would like to see xie lian in his clothes and he thinks it might help xie lian feel more secure, too, to be surrounded by his husband's familiar scent and color. ]
[ Peeled out of the majority of his clothing, he pulls off the long-sleeved top and rubs his arms as he kneels on the bed in the only underwear that looked comfortable at a panicked glance, a silky pair of white shorts that ride his hips. He kisses the palms that cup his face, holding one as he nuzzles the other, still incredibly grateful to not be getting pushed away as his experience insisted he would be. ]
A few days ago I fought with Feng Xin. I almost didn't want to see you in case you also couldn't stand me, I feel like my luck has been extra bad lately.
[ xie lian's agreement earns a genuine smile from hua cheng, and he presses a brief, soft kiss to xie lian's lips before pulling away to fetch one of his t-shirts. it'll be oversized on xie lian, but it's soft and well-worn and smells like joss sticks and incense smoke, like hua cheng. he holds it to help xie lian into it, then moves to tug back the blankets so they can curl up in bed. ]
I didn't know you'd fought with Nan Yang. [ his brow furrows a little at that, sympathetic. ] Your luck could never be so bad as to push me away, gege. You know I have very good luck, it should be enough to balance.
[ he stretches out in bed, then opens his arms so xie lian can come curl up in them. ]
[ Dressing in the tshirt, he crawls into Hua Cheng's arms and tangles their legs together, an arm around him as another curls in long black hair. His cheek rests on a shoulder, kisses dropping over where a pulse should be in a neck. ]
Your special songs?
[ The ones he doesn't understand but which comfort him immensely, some single sliver of a remnant of Hua Cheng's past that Xie Lian cherishes. ]
[ eight hundred years and the shape of his mother's face is little more than a blur in hua cheng's memory. he can no longer recall much of his family, and only the scantest details of the life he led before he fell from the palace wall that day—but he remembers his mother's language, and he remembers the lullabies she used to sing to him.
it's one of those that he sings now, his voice low and soft and lilting, coaxing xie lian to sleep. ]
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no subject
I'm sorry.
[ It comes out as a thin sound, robbed of breath halfway through. Crying begins all over again as if it never stopped and he screws his eyes shut, looking down. Hua Cheng doesn't deserve this, he ought to be with someone who can stop such betrayals from happening. When he can finally gulp down enough air to speak, he looks miserable and burbles in a rush. ]
I'm so sorry, San Lang, I would never have ... never with him, I swear. He thought I was his dead wife, it was awful. I couldn't think.
no subject
hua cheng pushes his free hand back through xie lian's hair, and his other thumb rubs over his husband's cheekbone, and it's there in the space between that touch and his drawn breath that hua cheng notices the traces of he xuan's spiritual essence on xie lian's body. they're faint, barely there, as though they'd been scrubbed away—but like recognizes like, and crimson rain knows the feeling of black water's presence well.
so, xie lian fucked he xuan. the knowledge stings like ice down the back of hua cheng's spine—what timing, hot on the heels of their argument in the hallway of the other roost, where hua cheng had joked about being jealous. he had joked because he thought he would never have cause to be jealous, and yet here they are.
he draws a slow breath. he leans forward, presses his lips against xie lian's forehead, steadies himself in the familiar warmth and scent of his husband's body. ]
Did he hurt you? [ is what he asks first. there's a certain levelness to the tone that suggests that if the answer is yes, hua cheng will destroy he xuan so thoroughly he goes back to being a ghost flame. ]
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No! No. He thought ... He called me Miao-er, t-treated me like the person he missed the most has returned. I've never seen him so happy. I think ... I think he's mortified. He left before I woke and I don't blame him.
[ He grabs onto Hua Cheng tightly, trying to contain his shuddering upset. It's so hard when he feels like he's let him down so thoroughly, unable to lift his head as Hua Cheng's tolerant kindness has Xie Lian even more worried. ]
I thought I was marrying him, I couldn't think properly. I'm sorry. It meant nothing.
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Breathe slowly, my love. [ although he has no need for air himself, he still draws a deep breath as if to demonstrate for xie lian how hua cheng wants him to inhale and exhale, slow, deep, steadying. ] You're safe, you're all right. I'm here.
[ he can't say that he likes it, the idea of black water in bed with his husband. but it's no more xie lian's fault than it is he xuan's, and hua cheng can hardly bring himself to blame or be upset with xie lian for it, especially not when he's so clearly ragged with guilt.
hua cheng's hands move slowly over xie lian's back, reassuring. xie lian trusts he xuan, doesn't he? and hua cheng himself trusts he xuan too, knows his fellow ghost king well and doesn't truly believe that he xuan would force xie lian or trick him somehow into his bed. for hua cheng, if he has to share his husband with anyone, at the very least he hopes for it to be someone he can trust not to hurt his beloved. ]
Look at me, gege. [ hua cheng pulls back just enough to gaze down at xie lian's downturned face, the top of his head all that's visible for the moment. ] Please.
no subject
No. You deserve someone better. I want to go back to our wedding night!
[ Bursting into the tears he's been trying to hold back, he buries his face in Hua Cheng's neck and clings to him in terror of being pushed away. His voice is watery and he sags unhappily, wishing he could at least spare Hua Cheng such grim accidents like sharing his husband with someone he could call a friend. His only, if anything ever came close over the years, or at least an equal. ]
I want to go back! Back to when everything was perfect. I hate this place! It's turning me into some kind of ...
[ Whore. ]
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nothing, up to and including xie lian's own insistence. how could hua cheng deserve someone better when no one better exists? when xie lian is his entire universe, his moon and sun and stars, the only person he's ever loved and the only person he's ever wanted? ]
Enough. [ hua cheng tucks his finger under xie lian's chin in an effort to coax him to meet hua cheng's gaze, although he doesn't force it if xie lian truly doesn't want to look at him. ] That's enough, gege. No one is allowed to be unkind to my husband, least of all my husband himself.
[ his voice is firm, but still adoring. it's clear to him that xie lian is deeply distressed, and hua cheng would never make light of the guilt and shame and upset he's feeling, but he cannot allow xie lian to say such things about himself without protest. that's the man he loves, after all. hua cheng would defend him to the death.
after a moment, hua cheng wraps his arms around xie lian again, holding him close. he rests his cheek atop his husband's hair, easy and familiar. ]
I wish I could take you away from here, [ he murmurs. ] I wish I could bring you home to Ghost City and keep you in my bed for a year. I hate this place too, I hate seeing you hurt, my love. I'm so sorry.
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Don't say you're sorry. You've never hurt me like I have with you.
[ Exhaustion from a night and morning spent bathing (after vigorously getting fucked too) has him slumping in place, feeling more defeated than he ever has before in this prison. ]
I bathed all night ... Did it help?
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Mm... let me tell you something, gege. [ hua cheng presses a kiss to xie lian's forehead. ] If I'm upset, it's not because of Black Water. It's because I hate how this place toys with you. I know you can't stand the aphrodisiacs and it hurts me to think of them being used against you... I'm not angry with you, my love. I promise.
[ he takes one of xie lian's hands in his own and crosses his heart with xie lian's fingertip as if to seal the vow, then laces their fingers together, giving them one more point of skin to skin contact. it's soothing for hua cheng to be able to touch when he's upset, and he hopes the same is true for xie lian. ]
It helped. [ hua cheng squeezes xie lian's waist lightly. ] Was that where you were all night? I was worried... I would have come to you if I had known. I don't like the idea of you spending the night alone and upset.
no subject
I wanted to get rid of ... [ The mess. He does look up then, earnestly trying to protect He Xuan who may not deserve it but also never intended to reveal such an awful lot about himself. ] San Lang, don't be angry with him. Imagine if I died and you thought you had me back for a night, only for it to be a lie. Even his bones must feel sick at the sight of me and that's probably why he left, he must be humiliated.
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I'm not angry with him, either. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't his. [ it was the house's fault, naturally, and hua cheng has already added a few new forms of torture to the list of things he'd like to do to j once he can get his hands on him, but that's beside the point. ] Ah, gege... what am I to do with you? Every time I think I love you as much as it's possible to love another person, I fall in love with you a little more.
[ he pets his hand softly along the back of xie lian's hair, soft and adoring. ]
I'll speak to him. I mean in the friendly way, not the scary way. [ not "speak to him" like beat him up a little, speak to him like really see if he xuan is all right. maybe later, though, when the hurt isn't so fresh; at any rate, right now hua cheng's priority is his husband. ]
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I'm sorry it was your friend.
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You don't need to be sorry to me. It only surprised me, but... in a way, as much as I hate the idea of you being drugged, I'm... glad it was at least with someone we both trust.
[ the circumstances leave a lot to be desired, but at the very bare minimum, hua cheng can believe that he xuan wouldn't bring harm to xie lian intentionally. ]
What do you need from me? How can I help you feel more at ease?
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I want to sleep, I'm ... so tired.
[ He needs to rest and is scared to do so, wondering where he will be when he opens his eyes or who with. Subconsciously, his grip tightens on a fistful of shirt. ]
Will you stay? [ Just to clarify what he needs, ] Will you be here for me to wake up with?
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[ hua cheng cups xie lian's face and gently thumbs over his cheekbone, then says, ] Let me undress you a bit for bed, all right?
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I didn't think you would want to t-touch me.
[ He was preparing for it, evidently. ]
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[ hua cheng's heart breaks. the clothes were close to what xie lian wears on the daily anyway, and so it hadn't even occurred to hua cheng to think that xie lian might have covered up out of fear of hua cheng's disgust. he can hardly stand the notion of it, that something like this might be enough to stop him loving and desiring his husband.
gently, carefully, hua cheng eases the cardigan over xie lian's shoulders and sets it at the foot of the bed. he lets his fingertips trail along xie lian's shoulders, his arms, touching every inch that he can reach as if to prove that he still wants to. the skirt comes next, fingers hooked in its waist to ease it down over xie lian's hips, but when xie lian is down to his long-sleeved shirt and underwear, hua cheng pauses to cup his face again. ]
Would you sleep in something of mine instead?
[ he doesn't want to make demands of xie lian, when he's already feeling fragile, but hua cheng would like to see xie lian in his clothes and he thinks it might help xie lian feel more secure, too, to be surrounded by his husband's familiar scent and color. ]
no subject
[ Peeled out of the majority of his clothing, he pulls off the long-sleeved top and rubs his arms as he kneels on the bed in the only underwear that looked comfortable at a panicked glance, a silky pair of white shorts that ride his hips. He kisses the palms that cup his face, holding one as he nuzzles the other, still incredibly grateful to not be getting pushed away as his experience insisted he would be. ]
A few days ago I fought with Feng Xin. I almost didn't want to see you in case you also couldn't stand me, I feel like my luck has been extra bad lately.
no subject
I didn't know you'd fought with Nan Yang. [ his brow furrows a little at that, sympathetic. ] Your luck could never be so bad as to push me away, gege. You know I have very good luck, it should be enough to balance.
[ he stretches out in bed, then opens his arms so xie lian can come curl up in them. ]
Come rest. I'll sing to you.
no subject
Your special songs?
[ The ones he doesn't understand but which comfort him immensely, some single sliver of a remnant of Hua Cheng's past that Xie Lian cherishes. ]
no subject
[ eight hundred years and the shape of his mother's face is little more than a blur in hua cheng's memory. he can no longer recall much of his family, and only the scantest details of the life he led before he fell from the palace wall that day—but he remembers his mother's language, and he remembers the lullabies she used to sing to him.
it's one of those that he sings now, his voice low and soft and lilting, coaxing xie lian to sleep. ]